1998-04-01 - April Fools Day Parade
Hav 409
[Band marches in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and G-Chem students, back despite Jack's court order against us, it's the most pre-professional band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Mercenary Bastards who are in school only as a means to the end of monetary gain and will be a thousand times richer than their infinitely more deserving betters who actually have an intellectual passion
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Len Fine Material Scientist
J. Pre-Meds Materialists
and J. This script 20% New Material!
[fanfare]
presents an all-star gala April Fool's salute to those of you silly enough to get up this early to come to chemistry. (pause) Of course, we all got up this early to attend a marching band event, but uh... (cough) ... play something!
[who owns]
As the most recent issue of the 'Columbia Record' tells us, Columbia's been given half a million dollars by the National Science Foundation to found the Industry/University Center for Surfactants. In case you haven't been doing your homework, a surfactant is just what a chemist calls detergent. That's right, Columbia has been given five hundred thousand dollars to play with soap. Our scientists were thrilled at the news, as Columbia was up against some perennial favorites: The Ponds Institute Biore's Center for Dirt-Loc Studies and Dow Chemical's Academy for Scrubbing Bubbles. One team member, Nicholas Turro of the Chemistry Department, remarked, "We have filed a patent application covering novel applications of N-alkyl-2-pyrrolidones." Turro then went back to his work, pouring grape juice on two identical white blouses. He washed one in the leading university's detergent and another with new Columbia Surfactants. Unfortunately, the results were not in as of press time. The Band now salutes our scientists on
the brink and plays 'I wanna be Surfacted.'
[sedated]
Recently it seems Florida celebrated a sesquicentennial, executing a woman for the first time in 150 years. In 1848, the state hanged a woman named Celia, a slave accused of killing her master. In a stellar effort to prove it has learned nothing in the ensuing years, Judy Buenoano, 54, was sent to the electric chair on Monday for 1971 death of her husband. This was just the latest step in Florida's 200 year-old "Tough on Crime Against White Males" campaign. The 50,000 men serving slap-on-the-wrist sentences for killing their wives could not be reached for comment. The band now salutes Florida's die-hard will to preserve the past and plays, "Smells like Hot Dogs"
[Smells]
In other news, Columbia Dining Services has a new plan for the Wien Dining Hall. When cutting back hours failed to drum up business, they decided to try something unorthodox - changing the food. As of yesterday, you can get Wrapp-Factory-style wraps from good ol' Wien - and that's not an April Fool's Joke. Earlier this morning, the Band sent its crack elite SWAT team to check up on the food court, and they came back to report finding Taco Bell employees frantically stamping the word "wrap" on 700 burritos. The Band at this point would like to play, what else, some "rap" music. Unfortunately, our set of marching turntables is in the shop, so we'll just play "I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In" for the six point oh two times ten to the twenty-third consecutive time.
[Knocking]
G'night folks. Drive safe.
[March out to Roar]